Rock 'N Roll High School.

You see, the thing is, I'm just not like you. People like you don't want girl's like me. My mom has a letter from her high school crush- her Jordan Catelano. It says, "College boys like me aren't meant for high school girls like yourself." Regardless of the times they spent making out, or whatever it is high school girls like my mom did.

Honestly, I'm rude. Even more opinionated when I drink. The monologues in my head are critical and self-righteous. Sometimes, I just don't give a fuck. About anyone, anything. I'm not thoughtful in a romantic sense, I don't really believe in it. Sometimes it makes my stomach turn. Especially when forced.

I wake up in the morning and turn on my stereo. I never, ever, ever get tired of The Clash and would have loved to witness the British Invasion. I want my husband to be as cool as Joe Strummer.

I used to hide cigarettes from my mom, from sophomore year forward. I usually had a stash of booze beside my tv stand, hidden in the corner. There are cigarette burns on the seats in my car, from when I drove my brother and I around for angsty drives. I used to make out with Newton's Charlie Sheen. I used to kiss boys in bands, sleep next to them, and drink at practice spaces. The first time I got drunk, I was with band members that lived in Jersey, Europe, Iowa- everywhere. They were all at least seven years older than my freshly fifteen self.

I've put holes in my old bedroom carpet from many hookah coal burns. I smoked weed in my bedroom once, when my mom was doing laundry. I went to Lazerfest one summer, and hardly even remember the bus ride there.

And all of this was before I discovered bars. . .

My favorite high school memories were spent outside of Newton. Obsessing over going to shows, waiting outside in lines, wearing thick eye-liner, spending all my money on tickets. My senior reflection paper revolved around the fact that high school students are trapped inside a prison all day. Anytime I needed to escape with my best friend- we'd be listening to records in a certain someone's bedroom, always a drink in hand.

Sarah and I would always take a spring/summer/fall hiatus, spending nights on my back patio drinking and listening to The Clash. Planning our fantastical getaway. I watch Andy Warhol movies, and secretly that is how I wish I could live my life. Sometimes.

I never hate being alone. I've been with someone always, for so long, that I only want to be alone. I don't get bored. I'm not good at math or chemistry or science- I got an A in biology by cheating on everything. I enjoy hiding from the world. I push people away without warning.

I never really have many nice things to say. I kind of like gossip. I also really enjoy this new thing Sarah and I have been doing- man hating on her deck, and talking about sex; telling secrets.

I just think that it'd be better if no one really fell for me- especially at this point in my freshly 21 year old life. I may grow up someday, but I don't really see cynical Lauren ever getting any less cynical.