Meow.

I almost "L" word him.

I am so scared of myself, because myself likes to rush things. As seen in the past, and in my book of Weather Reports. I am always in love with someone; whether he is a constant pest biting my skin whenever I'm fresh again, or a high school romance, or a dirty American who plays guitar, or a dirty European who plays guitar, or a crazy, manipulative chubby kid that I graduated high school with and hardly knew (and almost committed my entire life to), or the guy I got drunk with for a month straight and couldn't tell the difference between right and left let alone love or wanting to fuck someone besides said chubby kid, or the other guy I fantasized about in ninth grade and had to fulfill the fantasy so my ninth grade self could rest in peace inside of a worn out HIM notebook. HEY ENGLISH MAJOR IS THIS A RUN ON SENTENCE? Anyway, with my history, you could see where it would be difficult to trust myself anymore.

All I know, is that in all honesty, this is the first relationship outside of my first real relationship (with one of my now best friend's boyfriend, and this said friend used to be my high school rivalry- our life is an 80's movie made in heaven) that I have been sober. I mean, we were drunk together once; but throughout the process of getting to know one another (which is always a continuous thing), I have been sober, overall. I am used to relying on alcohol to make decisions for me, which is very unhealthy- obviously. I love everyone a lot more when there is poison in my veins.

Anyway, it's terrifying to have to make my own decisions. It's terrifying how much I overanalyze situations after the soap opera of May 2010- August 2011. Thank God He had the wisdom to cancel its second season. When I look back at the random prayers I said in August, I wonder why I was such an idiot, asking God to protect me and save me from being the subject of a murder scene should have been the reddest flag of them all. I always had a gut feeling that I chose to ignore, or that I didn't even notice in the beginning. Now I am constantly questioning my gut feelings, and whether they are in my head; I should just stop believing in gut feelings, they've never really gotten me anywhere. Usually you don't know when something is wrong, until you're supposed to realize it's wrong, right? See what I mean about overanalyzing.

I'm not going to say Mark is the reason I've quit drinking, started eating reasonably, and started praying every night and reading my Bible again; however, he has been a source of inspiration. I've never been with someone before who was willing to discuss religion. I was with someone once, and he pretended to know what he was talking about but in his drunken, slurred words I was a "new age evangelist with a classic twist, and the first Christian I've ever dated." I am hardly a new age evangelist, thank you very much Captain Crunch. I told said drunken idiot to read the Bible once, and picked out a passage to calm his anxieties- he would have rather watched CSI and sipped on Foldgers coffee while bathing in his own filth of self loathing/loving than spent any time actually believing in any sort of higher power. Sometimes he was Jewish in his drunken ramblings. What-ever.

Anyway, as I was saying before the past rudely interrupted me; it's nice to have someone to talk to. No one has ever really appreciated me this way; or acknowledged the fact that I have some sort of intelligence when it comes to things of a religious nature.

I wish I could just be patient, instead of trying to picture myself growing old with someone just to see if it makes sense in my head. Someday I want to marry my best friend. Someone who respects my independence, and wants to raise a well-mannered family in a church, and someone who will hug me while I cry, or calm me down in my fits of rage. Someone who makes me laugh, cry, and voice my honest opinion. Someone I can lay in silence with. Someone who will still love me after I have had his children and have stretch marks, and don't have the small figure I do now.

It's almost noon and I haven't showered yet; just listening to classical music on vinyl. I need to get going; I have to leave for work in eight hours and I have a checklist of things to do.

Have a good day, bloggers.